Non-Sterilized Checkup .

You feel like you are very okay with yourself,with the assessment of yourself by yourself.

You feel you're okay, you're fine, all you need is to face your work and forge ahead.

The thing is, you are broken, hurt and worse than you've ever thought. Probably ten times worse.

You suspect something might be wrong with you, because you've managed to push almost everyone that has come close to of late.

I mean, they know you're a good person, they know you have a kind soul, and a colorful personality, but there's something that is stopping you from letting them come too close.

You get  scared,frightened, uneasy and uncomfortable when someone is coming too close. You find out everything that is wrong with them, that would make you and them not to "gel" well.

You mind is pushing back, your heart is at rest, your soul tells you to chill, to hold on.

One minute you're deep inside your feelings creating the future you want with someone (faced or faceless) , next you're deeply sure you will end up alone with so many cats. Might as well be crowned the new cat woman.

The only time you are at rest, is when you're working, day dreaming or making up scenarios of yourself doing things you'd love to do eventually.

In your day dreams, you've bought the single tickets to that "romantic destination" , for strictly business purposes.  You eventually end up swimming naked in the middle of the lake in the nearest mountain town.

It's fun, it makes you feel more alive than you've ever been. It makes your heart pump fresh warm blood that makes your veins quiver. You're sure this is where you want to settle in.

You walk  around the streets of the town, taking in everything you notice. The old woman across the road hugging her green grocery tote as she struggling to gain her balance. The baker who packages his bagels like his life depends on it.

You close your eyes and open them hoping to get out of the day dream, but you don't, you can't . You are someone trapped, the dream isn't over yet. You turn to go back to your rented cottage, but something draws your attention.

It's not unusual, but it gets to you because you crave it. It is the reason you're day dreaming in the first place. You squint to get a glimpse of what it is you're seeing. It's you , with the kind person you always wanted to end up with before you gave up.

The kind of person that made the list you made when you were eighteen years old a joke. The person that watches you like a mother hen watches her chics. The person takes random pictures of your silly acts, and tell you how well you'd kill your  next presentation at work. The one that just hugs you and
laughs at your odd dreams of changing the world because you eventually say you can't do them, but they believe you can.

Just as you are about to reach out to the person, to ask if you were ever going to experience such "peace and love" in your life. The old woman you saw earlier on, taps you, you turn and she says "keep fighting", " don't let the past dictate who you are now, or who you would become".   

you grit your teeth in disgust, and turn back to you and the person and you, but they're nowhere to be found. You turn back to ask the old woman for direction, but all you see is a billboard that says: LOVE AND LIVE.

As you drift back to reality, the sound playing in the background welcomes you back as it end slowly:

Cause in the end, it's you,yourself and you, so what's its gonna beeee"???


ME. YOU AND I . We all have pasts that hurt. I've healed lots of times, its long , slow ,hard and dreadful. It's easier to rest into the comfort of the remnant of the wreck a heartbreak, grief or loss can leave you in. It's never really healthy cause toxicity sets in , and that's draining.

I know this cause I'm at that point in my life, and I'm trying and striving to be a better version of myself today and even ore tomorrow. I HOPE I GET THERE , AND PEOPLE THAT COME INTO MY LIFE AFTER ARE PATIENT ENOUGH TO HELP ME THROUGH IT ALL.

Cheers....

As it goes

Wooooof, not like the dog of course. It’s an exclamation I made in my mind . Daydaydayummmm. Today was one of those days where my mind and my other mind weren’t in sync .

I mean they were there , together in my “mind”, I mean my body, butttttt, they just didn’t want to cooperate. So that got me thinking , and although I’ve had this thought pop up before , I don’t remember really voicing it out yunnooo . 

Yeah, so I started talking to someone from my immediate past. LOL, okay, last year , but it’s the past tho. So back to the topic . This person isn’t such a bad person, I mean he does a lot of decent things, but somehow , he’s hesitant when it comes to some others .

Maybe hesitant isn’t the word though, maybe “inconsistent” is a better word. When I say that, it seems all great and scary , but then I’ve been thinking, just what if he’s like that cause he’s scared of being vulnerable or scared to open up to someone else. 

I mean , the possibility is HIGH!. Yes of course there are things that he does that I could just say , you know what , bye boo , but for real, what if just being there for them would work ? 

I’m all “psychologisting this thing, like I have the strength and patience for all that. The Ekab in me be like , “ girl everybody been through a whole lot”, you’ve tried so move baby. 

Men I dunno, allzzz I’m tryna say is that, what if patience and kindness is all most people need ? Just be there , be persistent and consistent with them . 

Wooooff ughhhh, anyway , thought I’d just say that , cause it has been on my mind all day . 

If you have the strength please try , just don’t lose yourself trying .

I wish you all the bezzzz . 

For now I’m offf . Work ends nowww.

Oh yeah , please listen to “Emeli Sande’s 2019 album”. 

Ciao 😘. 

Written by 5:00pm 

Soooooooo....... I’m back . For a minute there I went to sample Wordpress . Uhhmmmm , I must say , I love blogger way too much .

I think Wordpress dulled my spirit , soul , body . To me it’s too rigid .

I’m tired right now , work and all . I just wanted to announce that I’m backkkkkkkkk. Posts would start rolling sooon . There are a lot of things I can’t wait to put up here, I’m excitedddd .

I can’t wait to post stories. I can’t keep calm aarrrggghhh. 

I can’t even type words properly. Ughhh. Oh well . Let’s just say I’m beckkkkk. 

Okuuuurrrr, boobye .

Cheers 😘.